the shifting sands… of the mind

One moment..

I’m happy, am cheerful

I’m hopeful, am child-like 

The next..

I’m pensive, am sad

a tad hurt, a bit disappointed 

 

I look again..

ah there’s acceptance… 

But then

a little denial peeps in from behind  

 

I take a deep breath

and I sit and watch

as it all plays out….

 

A few moments pass by….

I open my eyes

as a little sigh escapes

 

Suddenly I get a little tap on the shoulder!

I quickly turn around to look

Who is it that beckons me?

 

There sits smugly

a whole new adventure….!!

Gives me a friendly nod

looks me in the eye

a questioning look

nudges me, teases me..

 

I sense warmth.. 

I sense concern 

kindness .. 

and care 

 

Then.. extends the hand

to hold mine, very gently 

and smiles

 

And we just sit there 

gazing at each other

losing all sense of time…

 

.. little tears well up in my eyes

 

As they begin to roll down

they go around a bit 

 

Why I wonder..

then I notice

am smiling back too… :-)

And I did it again.. vanished for an entire year!

the good thing, though, is that I am here now.

i have believed in the power of journalling for a long time now.

i have also experienced that reading my own posts at a later time, after months, and sometimes years, is a bit insightful, and definitely therapeutic.

today, as I looked up kayinaat, I realized reading old posts also gives me a peek into the troughs and peaks of my life, and how i overcame those to come back to base. But what was more of a revelation was a very clear pattern. i could see that I seem to write when I am either being challenged or am delighted. this is at least a pattern over the last two to three years at least. again, that’s allright. just an observation.

after all, kayinaat is my loved space that i come home to from time to time. it’s like returning to a loving friend, or a parent, who is totally accepting of me - just as I am. i can ‘simply be’ when I’m here. simply write whatever pours through. a sentence or a paragraph or more. it doesn’t matter. and most importantly, when I don’t write, it’s because there is so much comfort, that there is just no need to fill the silence. that is precious.

today I just want to give kayinaat a hug. and receive a loving hug right back as kayinaat holds me. just that. nothing more needs to be said.

much love in my heart for the universe today. ❤️ i feel happy. period.

exactly a month after..

pretty stressful last three weeks.. several legitimate, tangible reasons that i have been trying to identify, acknowledge, deal with, and set aside. but this morning, i realize what it really is - at a deeper, spiritual level. it struck me that i was suffering from withdrawal symptoms!

that's what it is.

i feel a part of my soul is in Ladakh now. I am so grateful that I have seen the magical beauty of this pristine land in my lifetime.. that i can simply close my eyes at any time, and picture that beauty. nothing and no one can take that away from me. the experience is with me and in me now. i'm a part of it, and it's a part of me.

i always knew i wanted to and would go back and see, feel and experience more of Ladakh. but, it's more than that. it's like an earnest calling now. 

miss you terribly, Ladakh.. i know where I finally want to rest now..:)_/\_

food for the soul..

My simple philosophy in life..
"I want to stay healthy, so I can go about my life - and travel!
I work to earn, so I can pay my bills - and travel!
Travel is food for the soul for me. And yeah. love canines."

That pretty much sums it up for me.

Why do I bring this up today? Because I just got back from the very beautiful 'Ladakh'! And the reason I choose to write abut it is because this particular trip is SO SPECIAL for me - and SO SIGNIFICANT.
Ladakh has held a very special place in my heart for the longest time - way before it became a popular destination for many. After holding the desire to be in this awesome and awe-inspiring land for over a decade, I finally got to spend ten magical days amidst Ladakh's raw beauty. What took me so long? Well, we have plans and desires, but life has other plans for us. I was meant to encounter and overcome a series of challenges, including a serious health challenge that put me completely out of action all of 2015. For this period, my life was all about becoming well enough so I could live a 'near normal' life. So I did all that.
Last two years, my victory was simply to be able to travel again - simple short flight from point to point, complete with the support and assistance I needed. So I did some of those to rebuild my confidence - bit by bit. No train rides. No road trips. These were a no-no!
Hence, the decision this year to finally go to Ladakh was indeed an extra special one - and a bold one. It was to help me believe in myself, fulfill my desire to travel and be amidst mountains again, and mostly to reclaim my life.

Ladakh, to you, I say this..
"Jullay!! To the beautiful vistas. To the lovely people.
Thank you for having me. Ten days after a wait of ten years.. SO worth it. Can't wait to be back!"

a mindful morning..

yesterday in the morning I sat down cross-legged on a green patch to meditate for a few minutes. I followed a new type of meditation for the first time called Isha Kriya, where as I inhale I say to myself, "I am not the body", and as I exhale, I say to myself, "I am not even the mind". I sat there with my eyes closed for a few peaceful minutes, just focusing on my breath and these messages .. 

when I slowly opened my eyes, I was feeling good and smiling to myself. 

and then I noticed that there was a pretty little red and black ladybird walking on my arm. I have always loved ladybirds. so I just sat there for the next few minutes and watched the ladybird as it did its little relaxed walk down my arm and finally reached the grass where it belongs, and went its way climbing blades of grass and descending to explore some more. in some time, it vanished amidst the grass 'forest'. 

I realized it was a beautiful, mindful moment for me.:) it certainly made my day!

may..

the month of May is when I turned a corner.

the month was ridden with challenges but I kept trying to deal with them by keeping things in perspective. and each little victory, despite the apparent problems, helped me feel better about myself. the last two days of the month were a test of sorts for me. and the way I coped with it was meditating each morning, and praying for courage, compassion, wisdom, sanity and serenity.. for me to deal with any situation with grace, humor and positive surrender.. and to practice acceptance, forgiveness and gratitude. 

these became my mantras. and they worked.

now, i have started consciously looking for gratitude in every situation.
i am being grateful for the type of problems I'm facing today. and i am thankful that I'm well enough to have these sort of challenges. _/\_

picking up from where i left off ..

I had to stop trying for a bit. I guess i needed a break from always having to be strong for as long as i can remember, and in the coping mode the last three months.


Am getting better now. Though the triggers are plenty. But am trying to be grateful while being a bit detached.


Did a little exercise, a little chanting, a little pranayama this morning. It's like going back to the start line. But at least it's a start.

to let go and let things be..

lately, i have felt a lack of harmony around me - indifference and even insensitivity, leading me to feel pain and hurt, maybe because of unmet expectations from those closest to me. i have felt uncared for. and i have felt unsupported and unable to pursue my health, wellness, work and practice. it brought me to a low i thought i had left behind a while ago. and this is also when i thought i had managed to conquer the demon of expectations. well, apparently not from everyone.

i reckon we're human. we all have our weaknesses. and maybe, they are not all really weaknesses. is it all that wrong to expect those closest to you to care a little? maybe not. and hence, from trying and feeling let down, to feeling bad about not wanting to try anymore to protect myself from further hurt, today I can sense a new feeling dawning on me, slowly but surely ... acceptance.

when one tries too hard to fix something, and it doesn't work, maybe it's time to quit trying for a bit. to just observe and accept. to go inward and be more with oneself. to simply let go, and let things be.

i know from experience that acceptance and letting go are two powerful tools towards attaining sanity and maintaining serenity. maybe it's time to simply be kind and gentle with myself. time to wear my oxygen mask. 

i know i have the potential to do more for my health, wellness, work. i know i have it in me to continue to expand my life. and i know that i have the faith that i WILL find the resources i need to do more and be more. so cheers to that!

to a beautiful kayinaat, full of promise.. 

a blur..

where did the last three months vanish?
they're a blur..
it's not a good thing or a bad thing.
it is what it is.

in this time, I've had significant victories, and plenty obstacles too.
I feel like I am in the midst of some transformation where I can see the manifestation visibly in my environment.

that said, the happenings have been challenging me at every step. but again, I believe that is expected. 
like we say in Buddhism, obstacles confirm that we're on the right path, and they propel us forward to what we may never have envisioned or believed possible. obstacles bring out our potential. 
agreed.

so while everything may not seem smooth or feel comfortable on the ride, I realize I'm gaining immense benefits, as I travel on.

in conclusion, it's time to move onward and upward. and keep the faith.

control-freak?

i have joshingly called myself that many a time till a few years ago. i don't hear myself say that any more. i think it's because i have worked hard over the years to tame that monster, if not demolish it. that said, i think it is a part of my swabhava.. it's how i've been moulded in my growing up years. and these patterns get hard-wired. but if it's got to go, it's got to go. 

but why am i talking about control today..? i think because somewhere i am finding myself being too tough and harsh with myself, and sensing some level of expectation from those closest to me, and on those expectations not being met, i sense some amount of resentment creeping in, albeit mild.. but why? why place anyone on a pedestal? why expect anyone to bear the burden of my expectations.. that they be more sensitive and compassionate and supportive.. why? knowing well that expectations are the root cause and source of tons of avoidable pain, i know i got to deal with this bit of expectation too, like i have managed to do fairly well over the years. it was a lot of hard work though. and i think now that i am looking this demon in the eye, i should be able to get this fairly settled soon enough. i trust myself with that. 

but there's more.. i feel i allow my life state to be affected by my sense of how well i manage and balance the many demands on any day. and if i cannot physically, mentally, emotionally deal with more than i already have, i start to beat myself up. and that's where that old enemy, expectation, gets a chance to get a foot in the door, and then, seeing the opportunity, mild resentment tailgates. 

but why breed this 'perceived' lack of control?

ah!! that there is the answer, the solution. it is 'perceived'. i PERCEIVE it as lack of control, and i judge it, and i admonish myself. what i have to remember when such moments happen, is that it all stops with me. and if i am gentle with myself, which i know i can be if i choose to be, that's all i need to do. i need to simply remind myself to be gentle and kind with myself.. and 'gently' tell myself that i did the best i could. then, 'gently' accept that i can manage and prioritise differently - not better, mind you, but differently. and finally, i can 'gently' resolve to make a conscious effort to put a little thought into what i want to, and maybe, need to pick up, and then just focus on that till it is at a logical point. remember, 'first things first' and 'one day (or even moment) at a time'? 

so that right there is the solution! to be gentle. :) and with that, i think i can sufficiently deal with an over-active mind and prevent it from playing any old or new tricks. 

mindfulness

mindfulness makes so much sense.

yet..

i struggle with applying it.

i know i do manage it in bits. we all do.

just need to make it more often than not. like it happened today during my morning sookshma yoga practice time in a green space under the blue sky, with pretty white clouds wafting with the breeze. and i was truly happy for those moments.

and then life caught up as the day progressed.. and out went the mindfulness, and her shadow and alterego, happiness.

i won't give up, though. my spiritual bank balance can do with some credits, to put it mildly.

:)

journalling on.. in august

it's been eleven days of august, and i realize i haven't popped in here.

first a cold storage meeting room in the office, and then rides across the length and breadth of the city on rakhi day that spanned over 6 hours, set me back a bit. trying to get back to a good state. 

i have practiced off and on, but not as regularly as i'd like. i need to get that in order, AND remember to be gentler with myself.  

11 aug, tuesday

today started with a bit of insanity. typical work morning, and lots to do before i can settle down to work. and then some unavoidable calls happened. it's only when a long lost and much younger friend called, whom i'm really fond of, i realised how off i was. instead of me being delighted to hear from her and us happily catching up, as we would usually do even if we were speaking after months or years, i found myself complaining to her about not reaching out sooner and about not informing me she was in town. that's not my usual self. and then i knew the morning had just been demanding and messy. 

so i took time out for myself.. i chanted for a few minutes, and then did my yoga practice, followed by my pranayama. today i chose to play soothing meditation music alongside - a first.

it worked. and i felt centred again.:) 

agility at its best

a couple of days back, a friend shared an image of a baby cobra that entered their compound, and how the compound folks dealt with the issue. later a few pics were shared with the residents, and she happened to share one image with me. when she sought my reaction, i told her that i find reptiles fascinating. am scared, no doubt, but mostly fascinated.

and it reminded me of how i thoroughly enjoyed the famous snake garden on ECR road just outside of madras a few years ago. i took pics of these massive crocs. they were sprawled all over, some on top of each other, with complete abandon. they looked dead - no movement for several minutes, maybe even hours. and then, suddenly, one would make a dash with such grace, speed, agility, and power. simply amazing!!!

on seeing the pictures, most friends reacted with fear, even disgust. but i was super pleased for having seen and observed these marvellous creatures.

tough love...

today i had to drive my poor canine children away coz the upstairs folks don't take to them. i was happily working inside, and they were happily sleeping outside. i wasn't even aware they were there. ootu still listened when i explained and left, though it just broke my heart to ask them to go. but fifi simply refused to leave! and when she did, she returned each time using new tactics as soon as i got back inside. it broke my heart to tell her strictly to go. i tried everything. and then finally she went away. confused. she was wondering why mama won't let her stay.:( poor baby. i felt so bad. then i went out after her, found her, explained to her, apologised to her, fed her some doggie biscuits, and guided her to a new kennel in the park in front that's been built for her and goru. 

phew! 

if only people live and let live. but it's okay. we're all built differently.

journalling on.. in july

07 jul, friday 

"i have it."

went about my practice keeping this mantra in mind.

12 jul, wednesday

"i did it."

despite not feeling great, and feeling a little discomfort in the back after a long while, i went ahead and did the practice mindfully. felt better after completing it. in fact, i felt fine enough to go for an hour-long evening walk afterwards.

13 jul, thursday

"i can skip practice the day i skip breathing."

i have to understand that i must do my practice and my pranayama regularly to first, energise myself for everything i set out to accomplish, and then, to relax myself after completing everything i manage to do.

14 jul, friday

"i have it."

the day began with a much-needed, long-overdue, marathon gardening job with the help of my dear god-send maali, murari bhaiya. that tired me out at the start of the day itself. around noon, i stepped out to go to a dear, home-bound friend to help with a haircut at her home. then i picked up some mechanical work that I mostly reserve for fridays. alongside, i listened to the god of music, mark knopfler, and the day began to feel saner. around early evening, i suddenly started to feel some discomfort just as i started to practice. but i reminded myself that "i have it", and carried through with part of the practice. just had some soothing basil tea, and i feel better.:)

15 jul, saturday

"relaxed"

it was good to have the choice to split the practice into shorter pockets of time, rather than one solid hour. it encouraged me to do as much as i could in the time i found in between the 'need-to-do-over-the-weekend' things. made sense to not let perfect become the enemy of good. at least i practiced some.

17 jul, monday

"mindful practice"

i managed to do the entire revised practice mindfully. not because i found spare time magically. but because i wanted to do it. and indeed, it helped me feel energised at the beginning, and relaxed by the end. to more such days.

18 jul, tuesday

"pleased"

despite an "office" day, i managed to complete my practice (supine poses) in the morning itself. and i was super pleased.

20 jul, thursday

"sense of duty"

day 2 of migraine and i was not up to the class. then by late evening, although the migraine lingered, it's intensity waned a bit. so i decided to do my practice. as i started, i realised that i was doing it with a sense of duty this time, because i should. but by the time i was done, i was also glad to note that i felt happy for having completed it despite feeling the way i felt.

22-23-24 jul, sat-sun-mon

it was a good run where i was able to do the standing asanaas in the morning itself in the green space upfront. that felt great!

24jul, monday

it was also a class day, which went smoothly with advice to continue the practice. 

25 jul, tuesday

it was an office day, where i had to go to a new location. the AC in the meeting room was at such a low temperature that soon i started feeling uncomfortable despite an extra layer. by the time i left the office in the evening, i was cold to the bone, and was relieved to get back home. i had some chai, and then rested. but over the next few days, i felt discomfort, stiffness, and soreness in the back, neck, shoulders, knees, ankles, wrists - after a very long time. i resumed my ayurveda oiling routine and warm showers for the week. 

my sense is that the uncomfortably low temperature for the duration of the day did not suit me at all. i'll need to figure out a workaround so as not to go through a similar experience next time.

26 jul, wednesday

i did my practice although it was a pain day and i was low on energy. i experienced slight trembling during practice. it turned out to be a long work day and i am glad i managed it.

31 jul, monday

today is a class day. although i could not step out for the practice in the open today, i walked in my backyard, spending time with my plant babies. i also did the pulley exercise to relieve the tightness in the left trapezium muscle.
the class was good. filled the feedback form helped me reflect on the practice and how it is impacting on my wellness levels.

regaining my strength...

...after a hectic weekend and busy week days.

after a super busy weekend and super busy monday and tuesday (evenings included), i felt completed beat on wednesday morning. i woke up feeling exhausted. :|

although the good bit is that i am able to do a lot more than i could since the spine got into trouble, i felt the body was telling me to slow down and take it easy. so i did. i still worked through the day, but was kinder to myself. with a few small meals and a big mug of coffee, i felt better by afternoon. by evening, i felt good enough to step out for a walk. and i walked for an hour.

i realize exercise and walk is extremely important for me, especially now. but i also got to remember that adequate rest is equally important.

i'll try and do a better job at balancing things.

baby steps..

05 jul, wednesday

“Relaxed”. 

I skipped my evening walk last evening. usually not stepping out for a walk in the evening makes me restless. but i had to make the choice yesterday. as i started my practice, i felt comfortable and relaxed and centered.

06 jul, thursday
"i have it."
the new mantra.. i have it in me. period. 
i felt a bit cautious but need to remind myself that i have it in me to challenge myself further.

a monday i didn't mind - believe it or not!

03jul, monday

“trust the practice.” 

a happy busy weekend, where i could do a lot more than i have been able to in a long time - with very little horizontal charging time. last night, i was dead tired and turned in by around 2230, a rare thing for me. woke up later than usual, but refreshed and without any guilt about waking up late and missing my morning walk and pranayama, yet again. 

so a promising start to a new week, to the extent that this is a monday i didn’t mind (i don't believe i'm saying this;)) - after as long as i can remember.:)

my yoga journal.. to new beginnings!

finally, finally, i have begun my yoga practice.... after thinking about this for the longest time. 

and i just thought why not add my yoga journal to kayinaat. after all, kayinaat to me is my home, where i belong, where i return to eventually to pour my thoughts (albeit very irregularly, i admit) and rest and rejuvenate. so it really is the perfect place to capture my thoughts around my days as i go about my yoga practice. 

so here is a snapshot of the last few days..

yoga journal

13 jun, tuesday

“hope”. 
i feel positive and reassured.

14 jun, wednesday

i practiced with resolve, and caution. it felt nice.

15 jun, thursday

the practice brought back serenity and joy from within, after an insane morning.

26 jun, monday 

“fresh departure” 
i felt i was able to practice with more confidence, and less fear.

28 jun, wednesday

“relaxed” 
i did pranayama in the morning in the open to prepare myself for a busy morning and an important meeting that i had to conduct. later, i did my practice during the day. i felt relaxed.. enough to almost doze off in the diamond supine pose.:)

p.s. i tried oats dosa for the first time.:)

30 jun, friday

felt good doing my practice.