control-freak?

i have joshingly called myself that many a time till a few years ago. i don't hear myself say that any more. i think it's because i have worked hard over the years to tame that monster, if not demolish it. that said, i think it is a part of my swabhava.. it's how i've been moulded in my growing up years. and these patterns get hard-wired. but if it's got to go, it's got to go. 

but why am i talking about control today..? i think because somewhere i am finding myself being too tough and harsh with myself, and sensing some level of expectation from those closest to me, and on those expectations not being met, i sense some amount of resentment creeping in, albeit mild.. but why? why place anyone on a pedestal? why expect anyone to bear the burden of my expectations.. that they be more sensitive and compassionate and supportive.. why? knowing well that expectations are the root cause and source of tons of avoidable pain, i know i got to deal with this bit of expectation too, like i have managed to do fairly well over the years. it was a lot of hard work though. and i think now that i am looking this demon in the eye, i should be able to get this fairly settled soon enough. i trust myself with that. 

but there's more.. i feel i allow my life state to be affected by my sense of how well i manage and balance the many demands on any day. and if i cannot physically, mentally, emotionally deal with more than i already have, i start to beat myself up. and that's where that old enemy, expectation, gets a chance to get a foot in the door, and then, seeing the opportunity, mild resentment tailgates. 

but why breed this 'perceived' lack of control?

ah!! that there is the answer, the solution. it is 'perceived'. i PERCEIVE it as lack of control, and i judge it, and i admonish myself. what i have to remember when such moments happen, is that it all stops with me. and if i am gentle with myself, which i know i can be if i choose to be, that's all i need to do. i need to simply remind myself to be gentle and kind with myself.. and 'gently' tell myself that i did the best i could. then, 'gently' accept that i can manage and prioritise differently - not better, mind you, but differently. and finally, i can 'gently' resolve to make a conscious effort to put a little thought into what i want to, and maybe, need to pick up, and then just focus on that till it is at a logical point. remember, 'first things first' and 'one day (or even moment) at a time'? 

so that right there is the solution! to be gentle. :) and with that, i think i can sufficiently deal with an over-active mind and prevent it from playing any old or new tricks. 

mindfulness

mindfulness makes so much sense.

yet..

i struggle with applying it.

i know i do manage it in bits. we all do.

just need to make it more often than not. like it happened today during my morning sookshma yoga practice time in a green space under the blue sky, with pretty white clouds wafting with the breeze. and i was truly happy for those moments.

and then life caught up as the day progressed.. and out went the mindfulness, and her shadow and alterego, happiness.

i won't give up, though. my spiritual bank balance can do with some credits, to put it mildly.

:)