i've had several thots that i've wanted to pen down the last few days.. but i somehow couldn't n they'v come n gone. lost for the moment.. good nice thots. anyway, they'll come back to me someday soon i hope n i'll put them down.
the last 2 days have been emotionally strained for me.. constant struggle in the mind. from missing the person i have loved despite the futility and pain of it all, the regret of it not having worked out and the ensuing sadness was there. n then we met. n it was a disaster. not because he wanted it to be or i wanted it to be. i don't think either of us intended for it to be the way it turned out to be. but it did. and the reason is he can't help saying what he does, and i can't help feeling bitter and pained upon hearing anything he says - pleasant or unpleasant. because for the pleasant i retort with, u didnt when u could, u've never really cared. and for the bad, well for that, i obviously hurt and feel is this what he called me over for. n he conveniently says later on that it was never meant. after it has caused me distress.
so i've felt very bitter again after many days, n i don't want to feel that way. i was unconnected and i prefer it that way. at least it saves me from hearing and saying hurtful things. so after losing temper and shedding tears, i feel convinced all over again that this is not what i want to feel and i want my peace and calm, and that is the way i wish to exist.
someday i will adopt a child, or maybe not one, maybe i will simply get associated with an orphanage and spend time with a few children and do my bit. i have thot of this for a long time now, n someday the cosmos will conspire to make it happen.
someday i will leave this kind of job which has petty politics and showoff, and get associated with a soft skills corporate training setup, n learn the ropes of training delivery.
someday i will get a lab or alsatian or both to adopt me.
someday i might run a nursery because i have noticed i am happy when i spend time with my plants. i feel v connected with nature, and everytime i come close to it, be it by way of a trek or a trip to the mountains or sea, it truely touches my starved soul. n i don't give this enough to my tired (and off late lifeless) soul.
but someday, i will..
today i hope to shed the bitterness that has swept me, and i want to completely forgive. have no regrets, no grudges. today i wish for being able to move beyond these negative feelings for good and embrace life once again, and be happy and spread happiness.
*insha allah*
