01jan2013. to new beginnings..
am back after a long while this time.. there were too many demands on me and i was bending backwards to meet them all. nothing imposed on me, just stuff i have chosen. taking care of my home and everything that goes into running it, taking care of my work responsibilities to the best of my capacity, social commitments, and so on.
i was glad that now - especially this year - the crises coming out of the 'a' situation were affecting me lesser and lesser with time. that i was accepting and compassionate, was willing to understand, and did what i could, and pretty much stopped expecting anything. and there might have been a slight bit of progress too, i felt. but then the setbacks didn't go away. and the most recent setback seems to be the last straw.. or rather, i know it is. am sure i've felt this way before, each time i've taken a tough stand for my sake, and may have said this before too. but i could never get myself to truly let go, since i saw it in the sense of almost abandoning.. i couldn't give up, i couldn't quit and i felt i was going to be there - always.
but has that helped the situation in general and anyone in specific? it's been this way, status quo, for a decade.. whatever stand i take or however many times i give things a shot, i find myself exactly where i was. and i have to ask myself, am i really helping anyone at all in the process? will giving everything i can for another decade help? will my presence help? how about my absence, total complete absence.. will that help? the fact that there is no safety net anymore.. would that actually be a blessing in disguise. the point is that i have not been waiting for something magical to happen in the current situation and turn my life around - for good. deep down i have known that is not to be, and haven't been expecting it either. accepting this and living in the now has helped me stay happy most of the time. so then, the question is.. won't being around be detrimental to everyone's progress? and somehow, for the first time in all these years, i find myself saying yes to that..
a new year has begun today. i tried to bring about a bit of manageability around my day. i think i succeeded too to some extent.. but then that is mostly because it was a light day at work - a rare occurance. i would like to manage myself better, prioritize correctly, focus on my health and wellness, and yes, last but not the least, focus on my happiness. because i too deserve to be happy.. something i am beginning to think about, if not accept completely just yet.
so happy 2013 to dear kayinaat!! this might just be a year of transition - finally. to a happier me in happier times..*insha allah*
i was glad that now - especially this year - the crises coming out of the 'a' situation were affecting me lesser and lesser with time. that i was accepting and compassionate, was willing to understand, and did what i could, and pretty much stopped expecting anything. and there might have been a slight bit of progress too, i felt. but then the setbacks didn't go away. and the most recent setback seems to be the last straw.. or rather, i know it is. am sure i've felt this way before, each time i've taken a tough stand for my sake, and may have said this before too. but i could never get myself to truly let go, since i saw it in the sense of almost abandoning.. i couldn't give up, i couldn't quit and i felt i was going to be there - always.
but has that helped the situation in general and anyone in specific? it's been this way, status quo, for a decade.. whatever stand i take or however many times i give things a shot, i find myself exactly where i was. and i have to ask myself, am i really helping anyone at all in the process? will giving everything i can for another decade help? will my presence help? how about my absence, total complete absence.. will that help? the fact that there is no safety net anymore.. would that actually be a blessing in disguise. the point is that i have not been waiting for something magical to happen in the current situation and turn my life around - for good. deep down i have known that is not to be, and haven't been expecting it either. accepting this and living in the now has helped me stay happy most of the time. so then, the question is.. won't being around be detrimental to everyone's progress? and somehow, for the first time in all these years, i find myself saying yes to that..
a new year has begun today. i tried to bring about a bit of manageability around my day. i think i succeeded too to some extent.. but then that is mostly because it was a light day at work - a rare occurance. i would like to manage myself better, prioritize correctly, focus on my health and wellness, and yes, last but not the least, focus on my happiness. because i too deserve to be happy.. something i am beginning to think about, if not accept completely just yet.
so happy 2013 to dear kayinaat!! this might just be a year of transition - finally. to a happier me in happier times..*insha allah*
posted by earth @ 3:26 PM
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