life is beautiful...

jan 2012

2012-01-24T08:59:00.003+05:30

the new month and year started on a good note, with me focusing on self, and more importantly, on my health for once, primarily because of the various niggling issues that started coming up, one after another, rather all together with the winter's onset. all the same, it was a positive change.

the reason why i am referring to this positive change in the past tense is because somewhere around mid-month, actually lohri, to be precise, i somehow stopped going for walks - a habit that took literally forever to form, and lasted less than 2 weeks. from then on, it has been one thing or another on weekdays as well as weekends (i usually end up packing the weekends quite a bit, something i need to work on). as a result, i have not been able to resume the one healthy habit i formed after much mental and physical resolve. that has been making me feel guilty at some level, and has been making me feel good about one less thing (that phrasing was deliberate - fairly positive, right? resilient optimist, n all..)

now to add to that, with the recent turn of events, which are not under my control, i have started to dip in terms of my emotional state - little by little. each aspect, which is not the way i prefer, is adding to the rapid fall. even relatively small unrelated things are adding to it. i know i can't wallow in self-pity, or wonder endlessly about why things cant be a certain way. it is futile and i know it. i like to strive to stay happy. but i can feel the cloud of unhappiness clouding over a bit. this is my attempt to record how i am feeling, and as i write, i also am making an effort to not let the heavy blanket of sadness cover me, even for a little while. i will stay afloat. i owe it to all those who love me and care for me. most of all, i owe it to myself.

will go for my evening meeting. happy recovery to me!

a play and a concert

2012-01-17T11:04:00.002+05:30

enjoyed a witty and bold play over the weekend, and an enchanting musical evening of live sarod vaadan with tabla.
both incredibly good evenings...:))

a treat

2012-01-09T09:26:00.003+05:30

was lucky to watch 'kiterunner' and 'time traveler's wife' in the last 2 days.. had read both books, which were brilliant. the movies were good too. of course, one appreciates these movies a lot more when one has read the books they are based on. books are far more comprehensive and hence make the subjects that much more real. twas a treat all the same.

just another town, another train..

2012-01-05T17:27:00.001+05:30

..listening to abba after soooo long.

lovely, as always.:)

resentment intolerance forgiveness

2011-12-13T14:20:00.003+05:30

this week for me, as per what cainer says..

"Why do wars start? Why do marriages end? What causes conflict? What prevents peace? These, like all big, complicated questions, have simple answers. Problems of this nature invariably have just one cause. Intolerance. It is poisonous stuff. Indeed, intolerance is the only thing on this Earth that we have any real right to be intolerant of! But, if we are intolerant of intolerance, we only make it worse. Given the time of year and the spirit of the season, what can we do but be patient? No matter how justified resentment may feel, forgiveness is the only way."

hmm.. true.

how profound is the last sentence.. "No matter how justified resentment may feel, forgiveness is the only way." if only one can remember and internalize these concepts, and start applying them in life, it will make this world a happier place.

winter is here!

2011-12-07T11:03:00.002+05:30

a beautiful winter morning - crisp, fresh, nice! and i walked (for exactly 2 mins..:))

cainer says for dec

2011-12-03T09:09:00.000+05:30

'Your attitude, not your aptitude will determine your altitude.' Not everyone agrees with Zig Ziglar, the legendary motivation guru. Some would say attitude isn't everything. But none can deny it counts for a lot. You now have strong feelings about a particular matter. These are causing you to see problems where none need exist. Adjust your perspective. Try not to care quite as much. Though passion can sometimes be a sword that hacks you a path through a jungle, it can also be the spade that digs you a hole. Just be calm and confident in December.'

hmm.. right.

kolaveri di

2011-11-28T11:38:00.002+05:30

ok, i may be late to learn of it n hear it, but now i am hooked to "why this kolaveri kolaveri di.." on youtube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YR12Z8f1Dh8)

:))))) so much fun! totally catchy. louuuvaa the spontaneity and innocence of it.:D

al-anon steps 10, 11 and 12

2011-11-25T11:54:00.003+05:30

"Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him/Her, praying only for knowledge of His/Her will for us and the power to carry that out."

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

al-anon steps 7, 8 and 9

2011-11-24T10:43:00.002+05:30

"Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings."

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

al-anon steps 4, 5 and 6

2011-11-22T11:10:00.002+05:30

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

"Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

alstonia & champa..:))

2011-11-21T10:26:00.003+05:30

am so very pleased that an alstonia tree and a champa tree have finally graced my surroundings with their charming presence.. wonderful way indeed to start the weekend!

a good day

2011-11-17T17:57:00.003+05:30

tried to follow a routine, did everything i wanted to, but probably in a better way. felt i was able to manage my day - today. the work day continues till a tad late today, but i took time out and went for a walk - after ages...

overall, a good day. will gv myself a bit of credit. and carry on one day @ a time..

a year of change..

2011-11-11T12:51:00.002+05:30

..and i have crossed over..on the work front..

incidentally, this is what cainer suggests for november..

"They say the definition of insanity is to 'keep doing the same thing' whilst expecting a different result. If you want your life to become less stressful, you've got to change some of what you keep doing. You're not completely creating the situation - but you're shaping it to some extent. You can't control anyone else's behaviour, but you can, at least, modify your own. That's all you need to do in November. Alter an attitude. Break a habit pattern. Try a new approach. All that now seems so exasperatingly impossible will begin to become pleasingly feasible."

actually, very in line with what my program says..

change

2011-10-18T09:03:00.003+05:30

to cut a long story short, i took on a tough role at work at a trying time, gave it my best despite it all, and tried to improve things for the better. well, the lesser said, the better. i am glad i did what i needed to, and that i tried. but i also knew the price i was not willing to pay - that of giving up my life. since things were not looking to change, mostly as there was no willingness for them to be changed, i made my decision to move on. i continued to work and give things my best (can't accept lesser than that from myself), learned to say no at times (a new one for me and one that i definitely needed to learn to do), learned to talk the language some people understand (avoidable i guess, but some people just ask for it at times..thankfully these were few and far between).

so at the end of six ultra hectic, difficult months with no respite, i have done my bit, am a tad wiser, and am looking forward to what is next (or next is what?:)). i am at the helm of the change now, and keenly hoping and looking forward for things to turn for the better.

relax!

2011-10-13T08:47:00.000+05:30

"So, here you are, cowering in a bunker, clutching the stolen cash. And there are the cops, out looking for you. You can hear their feet, inches from your head. Suddenly, you get an urge to sneeze. Well, no, not really... but continuing this week's theme of melodramatic analogies, I'd just thought I'd paint a picture of a truly stressful situation. Note the difference please, between this and your actual circumstances. You haven't robbed a bank. You are not about to be arrested. And things are due to turn out okay. So relax!"

now that i do need to do, cainer.

p.s. i love you

2011-10-09T17:27:00.001+05:30

........watch it someday, you.

cainer's bang-on advise again..

2011-09-22T09:32:00.001+05:30

.. that is so in tune with the happenings in my life in more spheres than one.

"Be discreet. Be delicate. Be gentle. Or at least, be as sensitive as you can be. Don't mince your words, don't speak with a forked tongue, don't apologise for something you ought to be proud of. But don't be contentious when you could be conciliatory or brusque when you could be polite. And if someone is behaving badly? Then set a better example. Don't descend to that level. Two wrongs don't make a right. But one right thing (whether it is said or done) can help to fix an awful lot of wrongs things."

indeed.

am pleased to note..

2011-08-25T00:08:00.001+05:30

..that 6 al-anon meetings have been successfully completed without a break.

baby steps..

2011-08-11T09:26:00.003+05:30

am pleased to note am making a little progress.. tiny baby steps.. of course, there is a long way to go, but am willing and keen to make the effort.

god, give me direction and strength.

al-anon 5 - step 3

2011-08-10T12:04:00.008+05:30

"made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him"

yesterday's meeting was more a one-to-one with one of the members. it is a small group, hand somehow the others could not make it yesterday. it was still good though. the sharing was more detailed. i shared how just in the last meeting i had spoken about the fact that although i have always had faith (it has had its highs n lows tho), and i have always been thankful for what i have been blessed with, presently i feel i have to get all my decisions validated, i am unsure of what i should do, i don't seem to get a message, a sign, that i look for, that guides me.. and that i need to fine tune that connection with my higher power. between that meeting and this, in a matter of just one week, i have personally felt i got the right thoughts and guidance on more than one occasion during this week. it is almost like we need to quieten (if there is such a word) ourselves enough to hear the (inner) voice above the din we surround ourselves with. i also shared how i hit my rock bottom four and a half months ago.. where i found it hard to function, i broke down several times everyday, i had to speak endlessly with the counsellor and the aa members who were all willing to help to quieten the turmoil, to lessen the restlessness, to deal with the feeling of complete loss that i experienced in the first couple of months. and now when i look back, it seems the progress i have made is significant, it is no less than a miracle. so indeed, if i can detach myself enough and go with the flow, and let my higher power take care of me, i can rest assured i will be taken care of. the other member shared an interesting example yesterday.. she said it's like we insist on carrying a large heavy bag on our shoulders when on a train. if we would just trust enough to let the bag down, the train will carry it for us. interesting indeed..:)

al-anon step 2

2011-08-03T12:28:00.008+05:30

"came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

this was the subject was yesterday's meeting. i hoped to listen to others' sharings and stories to get hope. and it was that and a lot more. i think while speaking, one by one, almost everyone went back to their toughest times and how they have emerged from those, and how their faith strengthened over time. i have the faith (it has gone through ups and downs), but it's always been there rock solid. because above everything else, i am extremely grateful and thankful for everything that is right and good in my life. i know i am blessed. but the one thing that i feel needs tweaking is the ability to tune that connection so i can start listening.. today i question almost every step of mine, require validation for almost everything, feel i need to get some direction, need a sign.. i don't seem to get it. i listen to my inner voice, but i doubt it. am sure it's all there already. i just need to calm myself enough to tune in and start hearing - and trusting - my higher power.

al-anon 4

2011-08-02T11:23:00.005+05:30

am looking forward to my fourth al-anon meeting today. i think we would read and talk about step 2.

i picked up 'the secret' yesterday. the last time i'd picked it up, it didn't engage me, though it came highly recommended. i always feel one has to be ready for a book. several times, if i don't stay with a book, for whatever reason, i keep it away with the intent to come back to it another time (in another state of mind, where i would hopefully be able to connect with the book). so i did with this book yesterday, because i heard a reference to it last night, and because i remembered finding it and bringing it a few days ago, and actually placing it with other books that i plan to read in the next few weeks/months. so i guess i was coming to that point. i have just read a few pages so far, but this time may be right. i'll see how it goes. and shall keep kayinaat posted.

also, am happy to note that today i made some progress.. i pray for the higher power to give me positive strength, to think positive thoughts, and help me do whatever best i can.

al-anon step 1

2011-07-28T16:40:00.004+05:30

"we admitted we were powerless over 'a' - that our lives had become unmanageable."

this was discussed a bit during the last meeting, among a few other things. for me, it is a huge step. truly accepting this and internalizing this is the challenge.

al-anon 3

2011-07-27T09:45:00.004+05:30

yesterday's meeting was good. the group was smaller yesterday. it was fine though. gained some insights from others' stories and sharings. i was given the opportunity to read from some of the al-anon literature. i liked doing that. so far i had been listening to others read. both experiences are good. i also got some literature for myself.

i feel i don't have too much to contribute yet, other than talk about my experience and how i can relate with others. yesterday i shared what i had heard almost 9 years ago in a spiritual session that i got access to because of my then supervisor (the founder of a small entrepreneural company). the 'guru', a good speaker who could engage a large audience, shared several insights by way of interesting examples. one such example stuck with me. the fact that we cannot change anyone. period. he said if u ask an animal (like a dog) to sound like another animal (let's say a lion), it simply won't happen. u can tell him nicely, remind him every day or every hour, scold him, even hit him.. but a dog will bark and that's that. in other words, you cannot change the true inherent nature of anyone. more importantly, if there is anything or anyone we can change, if at all, it is ourselves.

i shared this as part of my sharing, and told the group how i was reminded of these words as i listened to the others talking a very similar belief in al-anon terms.

with things at home and work feeling wanting, my third meeting was the one thing i found myself almost looking forward to through the week. i need to keep going back!

one day at a time @ work

2011-07-26T15:11:00.003+05:30

for the last four months now, a lot became increasingly difficult around me. the adverse situations became more challenging and the good situations turned hostile. one amongst these was the unfriendly work situation that dawned upon me in the garb of a good opportunity. i started reacting to it - first to improve things to make them reasonable, and finally i wanted out of it (still do). it was beginning to feel like the grip of a harry potter style magic vine that crushes its victim. the more one resists, the faster and closer gets the vicious grip of the vine. it was indeed seeming to go that way.. i made several attempts to change things, move towards a win-win, a sustainable situation.. but i guess, the positive force i was trying to apply wasn't enough to negate the negativity and inertia around. well, at least i tried. i tried to be reasonable and gave it my best. but i realized that if nothing's going to change, i will need to let good sense prevail and walk away from the situation. and so i decided it had to stop. but u see, didn't i mention, these evil vines don't quite let u go that easy - especially when the dark forces are in full attendance. so as it happens, the vine is latching on to me, trying to drag things, trying to ensure i am made to stay as long as possible, and more. the powers-that-be misusing every rule in the book and every trick in the trade. well, they can slow things down, but they can't stop 'em. after all, i have made up my mind after much deliberation. and just arriving at my decision and announcing it has brought me such a sense of relief. just shows the 'burden' i was under.

so well, i have begun to try to relax, not be overwhelmed by the lack of cooperation or pressures. and that is quite liberating and empowering.

following the mantra - one day at a time.

it's that time of the week

2011-07-26T13:39:00.004+05:30

i plan to go for my third al-anon meeting today. am a newcomer and am slowly finding my way..baby steps.. need to keep going back!

haroun and the sea of stories...

2011-07-25T17:46:00.003+05:30

what a delightful book.. it is a treat to read this children's book, which is as pertinent and enjoyable for the young and the old alike; one, for its sheer simplicity, and two for the undeniable parallels that one can draw to real life. this book, which is salman rushdie's tribute to his son, is enjoyable at various levels. the writer's imagination, ability to write for children, keeping the thoughts and language simple, and yet as engaging as any other book written at any level. the fact that rushdie was not permitted to be in the country, there was a fatwa against him, that he had quite literally been gagged, is the underlying context. he didn't let that color this story tho. and credit to him for that. the storyline is predictable, as is for most children's books, and has a happy ending, again as is what we like children's books to have. but that's a fact, not a drawback. the beauty with which rushdie has woven this tale is frankly quite amazing. new found respect for him as a writer. am yet to read any of his others bodies of work, though have read and heard enough about them, needless to say. and this book is clearly completely different. the imagery is excellent. and the names of cities and people has a beautiful display of drawing from the indian context - baat-cheat, bolo, mudra, chupwala, gup city, general kitab, city of kahani, maali, king chaterjy and many more. the pun is delightful! very refreshing. a must read.

escape

2011-07-21T19:11:00.000+05:30

is sleep (albeit very limited hours) my escape lately..

21jul2011

2011-07-21T00:56:00.002+05:30

beautiful outside..
light rain..
black coffee mug in hand..
and a long night of work ahead!:|
(the last bit being the spoiler, of course..given that i feel so disengaged at work lately.)

a new phenomenon..

2011-07-20T18:20:00.002+05:30

mood swings.. had heard people complaining about these, but somehow could never relate with the concept. never experieced it. saw it in others though. very lately, however, i have actually observed my moods swing.. not sure why? takes very little to keep me happy. but lately, i find i am happy when in company and sad otherwise. i do realize the happiness should come from within. i hope it is just a passing thing..

20jul2011

2011-07-20T09:45:00.002+05:30

made time from work and attended my second al-anon meeting yesterday. i am being welcomed warmly by those who have lived similar circumstances and whom i can relate with. it is an anonymous group, as the name suggests, and as all such groups are.

ps: i think i am feeling a bit depressed. got to overcome it, and count my blessings as i always have done.

a new step forward

2011-07-13T10:52:00.002+05:30

yesterday i finally went for my first al-anon meeting.

though i had felt a fair amount of doubt, skepticism, reluctance so far.. i guess i was even pre-judging it perhaps.. the fact that it was on work days at a place i didn't know came to my rescue as a ready reason (won't call it excuse).

but the last few days were difficult.. i almost felt myself slipping into depression, feeling so much is not going right all around. and that was a sign to me that something had to be done, and fast. finally i made an exception and made time and went for the meeting.

glad i did go. and i wish to go back - for my own recovery and hopefully growth too.

a new journey has begun.

god, give me strength and direction.

khud se hi khuda hai..

2011-07-12T16:18:00.001+05:30

beautiful thought.. and one one needs to remember or remind oneself of - more often than not.

profound - work and life..

2011-07-12T16:15:00.002+05:30

"The more you accept - the more you will get.
At some time we have to say - STOP!
Else we encourage and reward the behaviour that damages us."

can u imagine these are heartfelt words in a work scenario from a senior colleague of mine from UK.. these are regarding the challenges being faced by me (and as i realized others like him) and when he said it, i had to capture it. it is so true. so profound.

thanks cainer

2011-06-08T09:37:00.000+05:30

cainer says..
"For some while now you have been staring a fear in the face. You may not yet realise this, but you have conquered it. It may take a few weeks for you to digest the implications of all you have lately been through. Only slowly will you start to see why you now have so much more freedom and strength. Gradually, though, as your economic problems recede, and your emotional entanglements become less convoluted, you will see clear evidence that you are now entering a much brighter phase of your future."

does this guy write for me or what..

2011-05-24T19:10:00.003+05:30

as per cainer..

"'Buzz, buzz.' That's not the sound of a bee in your bonnet - nor even the noise of a hornet under your hat. It's the acoustic output of a mental mechanism that's at maximum capacity. Your brain is beginning to hum like an overloaded electrical circuit. It has simply got too much to cope with, but it won't give up in despair. It is, after all, YOUR brain - and you are no quitter. Make your thoughts optimistic and constructive. If you are thinking about anything other than a happy outcome to a current drama, you are thinking the wrong thing."

he is bang on about the first two thirds of it.
about the latter part, hmm.. well, i do appreciate the reassurance.

self belief

2011-05-05T08:52:00.002+05:30

my horoscope for the day as per cainer, whom i have admitted previously seems to write for me..

'At the centre of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.' So said the philosopher and teacher, Lao Tzu. Many centuries have passed since then. The world has changed beyond all expectation. Yet these words remain as true as ever and they are particularly relevant to you right now. Mars, Venus, Mercury, Jupiter and Uranus are all in your sign. These are exceptional celestial circumstances. Trust what's inside you. You're made of more magic than you know.'

self belief is what i need - a whole lot of that.

god, give me strength and let me draw on all my energies to achieve all that is expected of me, and more.

time traveler's wife

2011-04-01T17:14:00.002+05:30

sometimes i seem to relate so well with the time traveler's wife.. only it is less weird, but a whole lot more painful.

this thought has come to mind many times, have dwelled a bit too, even tried to draw comfort from it at some level. but today, it is just sitting there, afloat somewhere in the heavy air around me..

and u got me smiling..

2011-03-30T23:08:00.003+05:30

India, India
Sachin, Sachin
Dhoni, Dhoni
Yuvi, Yuvi
Raina, Raina
Nehra, Nehra
Kohli, Kohli
Veeru, Veeru
Bhajji, Bhajji
Munaf, Munaf
Zaheer, Zaheer
Yusuf, Yusuf

boys in blue - thanks! you made me smile..inspite of it all..
go win the cup in mumbai now - good luck and all d best!!!

acceptance and strength

2011-03-30T11:39:00.003+05:30

i think acceptance can indeed be the biggest source of real strength. acceptance to let go of one's plans and dreams, and to accept what the cosmos has thought out..

as they say in hindi..
'mann ka ho to achha,
mann ka na ho to aur bhi achha.'

maybe it's time for the eternal optimist in me to let go of some of the unrealistic hope that i've held on to for all this while. i think i have had this need to not give up, to know that i will keep trying and somehow make things work eventually. but maybe i need to let go of this need too..

god give me strength.

one day at a time..

2011-03-28T17:57:00.001+05:30

.. this too shall pass.

little messages that help one hang in there, garner one's strength and keep one's faith..

says Mark Twain

2011-03-25T12:07:00.001+05:30

'Sing like no one is listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody is watching and live like it's heaven on earth.'

serenity prayer

2011-03-24T12:45:00.001+05:30

god grant me the serenity to
accept the things i cannot change,
courage to change the things i can, and
wisdom to know the difference.

a mere qn..

2011-03-21T15:14:00.001+05:30

how can one lose what one hasn't got?

...

2011-03-21T13:01:00.001+05:30

just wanted to stop by. am sure kayineet understands my silence. i think kayinaat understands me..

back home

2011-03-16T18:02:00.002+05:30

am back @ kayinaat, once again, after eons.. not judging the (in)action or myself for it, though. just tells me something about the pace of my life in these past months. have most certainly been overly occupied. life's been pretty hectic for most part. but that's no excuse. i wasn't inspired to 'write' my thots much. instead, i was either on a roller coaster ride, or was settling down post it - just being with myself.

it's been months that i visited my own blog

2010-12-06T14:32:00.000+05:30

am in a daze...

profound..

2010-05-28T13:14:00.000+05:30

'There is nothing as strong as true gentleness; there is nothing as gentle as true strength.'
- anonymous

i miss gardening..

2010-05-20T17:39:00.002+05:30

there was a time when i had so many different potted plants in my frontyard and backyard. and then somehow, i had to move away, and though i requested neighbours to water them, they did at times and didn't at others. and slowly and steadily i would return to find some of my precious earthy friends gone.. and it would break my heart. i would of course continue to water them every time i would get a chance in the hope that with change of season and change of times, they would resurrect.. some if not all. the cycle went on this way for a while. and now, i have a handful left. these have survived, like me, despite all odds.. it brings a smile to my soul when i look at them.

now i dream of a mini-garden in the backyard.. nice trees swaying in the breeze, nice vines defying gravity and making their way to destinations of their choice.

yes, some day in some years when times are favourable. *insha allah*

:)

2010-05-16T12:07:00.000+05:30

an (almost) open air movie on friday evening; a lovely concert featuring rafi-asha romantic duets on saturday evening (the singers srikant and harjeet rocked!); a lounging-@-home sunday. perfect weekend!

profound gyan

2010-05-15T16:19:00.001+05:30

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strengths...

- anonymous

and another one..

2010-05-04T08:17:00.000+05:30

our life is like a candle in the wind..
- carl sandburg

apt quote that i just came across..

2010-04-30T17:02:00.001+05:30

Never be sad if someone doesn’t recognize your worth. It is their loss because people who don’t appreciate your worth don’t deserve to know you!
- Anonymous

radio silence in march..

2010-04-08T11:48:00.005+05:30

after quite a bit of silence through march, am back.. it's been a busy time. have been preoccupied. and kayinaat understands. always does..

just returned from a short n sweet weekend trip to ajmer sharif and pushkar. something i'd been long wanting to do. and the trip turned out even better than i could have wished for.

thank you, god...!

profound quote

2010-02-24T14:17:00.000+05:30

I think - so I exist, I believe - so I triumph, I try - so I succeed, I envisage - so I see!

- Anonymous

a thousand splendid suns

2010-02-24T14:12:00.002+05:30

just finished reading it last night. khaled hosseini did it again.. he writes beautifully, simply, straight from the heart. the story is heart wrenching. has unimaginable pain and yet oodles of hope and love. makes for good reading. plus is an insight into the war-ravaged afghanistan, along with the trials and tribulations of the land and its peoples.

hny kayinaat....

2010-01-12T16:45:00.002+05:30

2010.. and not a single word penned by me in my dear diary.. i guess it's been a slow start.. am enjoying the cold. but besides that it's like the lull before the storm.. like my energies are biding their time.. mixed feelings but overall positive. i guess i'm just such an unbelievably optimistic enthusiast when it comes to life. plus pretty content. probably too content at times.

let the force be with me and kayinaat. let there be love n peace n harmony n goodwill n friendship n joy...!

back from my pilgrimage..

2009-12-16T12:10:00.003+05:30

.. to vaishno devi. a trip that i didn't plan for. it just happened.

i had been hoping and trying and planning to go to ajmer sharif, and then there was talk of another trip to shirdi before year end.. but these things work out magically. i ended up going to the mountains in the winters.. to be where i was deemed to be, pay my respect, say my prayers and be thankful for everything i am blessed with.

the trip was great - very satisfactory. and physically reassuring too!:)

arz kiya hai..

2009-12-09T19:09:00.002+05:30

(recording on kayinaat my first ever piece in urdu and impromptu, so pardon me for any gustakhi or galati..)

arz kiya hai..

zindagi mein lamhe to bahut hain...
kuch gamgeen, kuch haseen

kuch karte hain bayaan bhooli si daastaan
aur bante hain aakhon ki nami ki wajah

kuch chod jaate hain meethi yaaden
aur ek halki si muskurahat

zindagi inhi lamhon ki kitaab hai
inhein samet kar rakhna, dost

in the year to come..

2009-12-08T19:53:00.001+05:30

i'm not even a fraction of what i can be.. there is so much life running through my veins... kayinaat, here i come..

ps: i think that's what makes me tick. i feel stronger after every setback. the initial pain gives way to resolve. resilient optimist, hun..?

...

2009-11-08T09:12:00.002+05:30

there are things to be bought
corners to be tidied

laundry to be done
bills to be paid

hopes to be nurtured
dreams to be dreamt

and life to be lived..

the haze...

2009-11-08T09:06:00.002+05:30

first the daze, and now the haze.. funny ain't it.. the daze wasn't over and the haze has moved in.. in every sense. everywhere.

like my good friend J recently wrote, i too now don't wish, only hope.
and accept.

in a daze...

2009-10-30T18:17:00.002+05:30

i have noticed that off-late i seem to be in a daze.. consistently so.. almost a parallel level of existance that i am living, while living my 'normal' life, mind u. doing everything i need to - working, meeting family, talking to friends, taking care of responsibilities, paying my bills, etc etc.. but its almost like i am not completely into anything that i am visibly actively doing.. its weird.. and it's been there for a bit now.. *sigh*

thank u all...

2009-10-19T20:28:00.002+05:30

kabhi kisi ko mukammal jahan nahin milta..
kabhi zameen to kabhi aasmaan nahin milta...

strangely i seem to find some sort of comfort in this song.. its lyrics are seeped in poignant emotion.. every word holds in itself a sea of pain and disappointment.

well, it is true that we are all blessed in many ways and that is the strong piece of wood to hold on to when the ocean around us is in the midst of a perfect storm. and that's what i want to do today.. i want to express my gratitude towards my family and friends who stand by me and give me a whole lot of love and support all the time through their stated and unstated understanding - a look, a smile, a query, a mail, a call.. keeps me going. not sure what the future holds for me, but i am truly thankful for the care i am surrounded by, thanks to all those who care and show it too.

a thousand splendid suns...

2009-10-15T10:36:00.003+05:30

what a lovely title.. this is the book that i have been trying so hard to lay hands on ever since i finished reading khaled hosseini's first book, kiterunner. finally i made my way to the book and hopefully i'll start reading it today.

a new low..

2009-10-15T09:32:00.002+05:30

this too shall pass.. god, give me strength.

wish i could just set out on a trip into a calm natury place.. maybe a cottage set somewhere in the hills where i could read as i sip steaming hot tea.. n go for walks on twisting roads lined up with trees and foliage on both sides.. sigh.. i wish i could fly away like a bird into nothing, or swim like a fish into nowhere. but then, not really actually. not now. i wanna be away but when i picture that, i see myself alone. n that makes me cold today.. i value and am thankful for what i have been blessed with. god give me strength.

Wake Up...!

2009-10-04T15:57:00.004+05:30

a nice refreshing entertainer, that's what 'wake up sid!' turned out to be - totally worth the time and money spent on the theatre experience. and i have to say that it's quite fair to say that the production house in question finally 'woke up' with this one! finally. one decent, worth-watching movie, for a change.

maybe it was the freshness of a 25-year old director, a fresh story idea with more important a fresh approach, the choice of a young and very cool looking dude ranbir (thankfully not the usual predictable cast - thank god!!), and finally finally an actress of substance who gave a lot of credibility to the project - and the movie clicked for me.

maybe it helped that i could relate with konkana's character in as much as the almost instant love for bombay is concerned (yes i just said bombay.. bombay.. bombay...!), her experience of discovering herself (in my case rediscovering) through her independence in the city, and her finding wonderful friends in the city.. and unfortunately, that's where the similarity ended.. sigh.. (LOL!;):D) what also helped was ranbir's character's love for photography, which i so relate with..... someday i will buy a Nikon SLR and click away to my heart's content. i know i have it in me, and i am basically good at it, sans equipment or training so far.

the movie made me remember the lovely time i've spent in the city, and rethink about the oft-repeated wish that i have to someday be back there, and i smiled..:)

so all in all, the movie made me laugh and cry and smile.. it worked!

ps: i have to give myself credit for my gut being so damn right about what's worth a watch and what can and should be given a miss. it's so bang on! my gut proves itself right each time. how neat is that.:)

wanderer

2009-10-01T14:57:00.002+05:30

i increasingly feel that i am a wanderer.. fundamentally, a traveler at heart.

i would love to see as many corners of this country and earth as i can in this lifetime. all i really wanna do now is to earn enough to be able to pay my bills and travel as often and as near-and-far-and-wide as i can.:)

i hope i settle down as well as cheer up soon...

state of mind

2009-09-30T13:28:00.004+05:30

whatever happened to my feeling of being content? what's this new state of mind..

i've been pensive lately, a little unsettled, unlike the way i've been for quite sometime..

in fact, i haven’t been here too much lately.. i haven’t been feeling very inspired. i’ve been feeling some kind of unrest. i think i was in an 'at peace with myself and the universe' sort of state for quite some time till pretty recently. but now that state of mind seems to have been disturbed. i used to be content, at peace, and basically happy. and now i seem to be constantly looking for a sign, a development.. on a lighter note, i guess its just the hormones that are trying their last ditch effort before it’s too late!:)

well i hope whatever it is passes and soon, at that.

**dear kayinaat, pls show me a sign. and bring me my thankful, content state back. thank u.*

cainer sure has a way with words

2009-09-30T08:50:00.002+05:30

here's a very interesting excerpt out of what cainer had to say today for ariens. thought i'd pen it down in my virtual space - which is also my connect to the cosmos..

"Contrary to popular belief, our hopes are like rubber balls. Even if they are dashed to the ground, they can soon bounce back. It is our fears and doubts that are heavy and brittle. That's why we instinctively strive to protect them. We wrap ourselves up in the cotton wool of caution, so that our negativity stays safe, even if we accidentally encounter inspiration. "

so true, ain't it?

festivities and long weekends

2009-09-29T17:21:00.002+05:30

3 long weekends, back to back! isn't that so rare...... almost unbelievable. but that's what has been a rare blessing this time.:)

the fact that the time coincides perfectly with the start of the festival season is even better!

taking a walk through the moments captured..

2009-09-14T15:00:00.003+05:30

today i read something on hope, and wanted to locate a poem i once wrote around hope on my blog. and in the process, quite inadvertently, i read a couple of posts that i'd written in april 07. and well, that was a tough time in my life.. and although ups and downs, happy days and not-so-great days happen all the time in life, but that indeed was a low phase for me. and i have indeed come a long way from there. thankfully so! am a healthier person, overall, happy for what i have, as for what i don't, i simply don't regret it. well, what is, is. and what isn't, just isn't. and so i'm good.

thank god!

move ur body!

2009-09-04T09:31:00.002+05:30

finally, i've somehow gotten back to the routine of a little exercise almost every morning, even if for just 10 minutes, which comprises at least the ones that are supposed to help me counter my good ol' friend now, cervical..

i love the idea of stretching and exercising and walking and cycling and jogging and gymming and swimming.. but with the daily demands, these tend to stay as thots. let's see when i can get around to these.......

the kite runner - khaled hosseini

2009-08-22T17:28:00.002+05:30

one of the most intense books that i've read so far.. it is truly incredible that this is khaled hosseini's first novel! amazing writing! a heart rendering tale told simply and beautifully. a must read indeed.

am back!

2009-08-17T15:27:00.008+05:30

the spiritual experience @ the golden temple, the patriotic fervour @ the wagah border, and the lovely stopover in the form of a short n sweet stay @ the pretty city of chandigarh.

wonderful places, amazing weather, good roads, nice food - overall very refreshing. the rain was the icing on the cake!

but for my running nose and terrible cough, the trip was great.

croak croak

2009-08-09T12:58:00.000+05:30

lost my voice as of last night.. just like that!
now i can just hope to swallow some garam garam khichdi.
wanna be fine as i got to head out of town soon..

Eagles' best without an iota of doubt..

2009-08-04T11:56:00.003+05:30

"Hotel California"

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes benz
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

So I called up the Captain,
'Please bring me my wine'
He said, 'We haven't had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine'
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device'
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
'Relax,' said the night man,
'We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave......!'

sigh..

2009-08-02T19:55:00.000+05:30

being judgemental seems to be such a favorite passtime of many.. and yet what is more amazing is how conveniently this unbecoming trait is combined with brazen hypocracy!

MJ's soulful Heal The World..

2009-07-27T08:44:00.002+05:30

heal the world
make it a better place
for you and for me
and the entire human race

there are people dying
if you care enough
for the living
make a better place
for you and for me

heal the world..

TGIF..:D

2009-07-24T11:57:00.000+05:30

yey! it's friday.............! *grin grin*

dil chahta hai

2009-07-11T22:27:00.001+05:30

this is one movie i can never tire of. watched it after ages today, n found it as entertaining as ever... it is just so refreshing and complete in itself!

good job, farhan akhtar!!

the kite runner

2009-07-07T09:37:00.001+05:30

that's the new book by khaled hosseini that i've picked up now.. just got past a few pages, and it's turning out to be quite fresh and compelling.

One of MJ's many bests.. Billie Jean

2009-07-01T09:46:00.004+05:30

[1st verse]
She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene
I said don't mind, but what do you mean I am the one
Who will dance - on the floor - in the round
She said I am the one - who will dance - on the floor - in the round

[2nd verse]
She told me her name was Billie Jean, as she caused a scene
Then every head turned with eyes that dreamed of being the one
Who will dance - on the floor - in the round

[Bridge]
People always told me be careful of what you do
And don't go around breaking young girls' hearts
And mother always told me be careful of who you love
And be careful of what you do 'cause the lie becomes the truth

[Chorus]
Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

[3rd verse]
For forty days and forty nights
The law was on her side
But who can stand when she's in demand
Her schemes and plans
'Cause we danced on the floor in the round
So take my strong advice, just remember to always think twice
(do think twice)

[4th verse]
She told my baby we'd danced 'till three
Then she looked at me
Then showed a photo my baby cried
His eyes looked like mine
Go on dance on the floor in the round, baby

[Bridge]
People always told me be careful of what you do
And don't go around breaking young girls' hearts
She came and stood right by me
Then the smell of sweet perfume
This happened much too soon
She called me to her room

[Chorus]
Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son
Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, she says he is my son
She says I am the one
Billie Jean is not my lover
Billie Jean is not my lover
Billie Jean is not my lover
Billie Jean is not my lover
Billie Jean is not my lover
Billie Jean is not my lover

MJ, your music will always be remembered and sorely missed........

a nice quote..

2009-06-30T15:29:00.001+05:30

a good friend is one who sees your first drop of tear... catches the second, stops the third and turns the fourth into a smile..

Que Sera Sera..

2009-06-29T16:30:00.000+05:30

Doris Day - Que Sera Sera..

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

beautiful and profound, ain't it..

stone skip childhood game

2009-06-23T15:39:00.003+05:30

i remember how i have enjoyed the skip stone game as a child. we used to go to my maasi's (mother's sister) place almost every summer in the city of hardwar, which is by the way known more for being a religious place. we stayed in a lovely township - very green, very well planned, and coming from the city we did, the distances seemed just so tiny and the pace of life just so relaxed. the place we stayed in had plenty of open spaces in front - the rain water would collect in small and big puddles and mini-ponds and mini-lakes. and as children, we would pick up stones and throw them into the ponds to make them skip several times, creating ripples each time the stone would come in contact with the water. i used to somehow feel very competent at it. i'd know the trick was to pick the flattest of stones, and throw them with a certain force at a certain angle, and voila, the stone was sure to skip n skip more..

it was such a lovely game.. we used to spend many evenings this way.. at least that's how i remember it..:)

2009-06-21T11:13:00.005+05:30

remembering the lovely Sound of Music number..

raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things..

cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels, doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles, wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings, these are a few of my favorite things..

girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes, silver white winters that melt into springs, these are a few of my favorite things..

when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, i simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad...

:)

the devil wears prada

2009-06-12T15:52:00.001+05:30

gosh! i am taking forever to read this one..!
for one, i'm not finding much time or opportunity to read, but two, and more important, i have to confess it hasn't caught my fancy and grabbed my attention much..

dream on...

2009-06-02T11:05:00.003+05:30

i see vivid dreams..

do they mean anything..? wish i knew..

i tried looking for some dream interpretation links on the net, but found them to be tacky, so quit. but dreams are an important level of our consciousness.. and likely capture our thoughts and even 'dreams', pun intended.

i think i should explore this a bit more.. if for nothing, just for the fun of it. actually on 2nd thots, i wouldn't mind if i don't. i wouldn't really mind for the mystery to continue..:)

silence..

2009-06-01T09:58:00.002+05:30

one fine morning
silence glides in, from afar..
and dawns upon me
like mist on a winter day

seeking her space
in my being
staking her claim
in my soul

taken by mild surprise
i gaze at her.. fondly though
as a friend i've known
from many moons ago

she looks at me
with kind eyes
and a benign smile
holds my hands n sits me down

she sings to me n soothes me
n gets up to leave
with a promise to be back
n slowly she merges into nothing..

...

2009-06-01T09:25:00.000+05:30

pensive...

it's a sign..sigh

2009-05-28T15:54:00.002+05:30

it's a sign..

a gaze that fondly caresses
comfortable in its discomfort
often hesitant..
seldom coquettish..

the sign of a new life
a new beginning
a new possibility
a new realization

or simply a teaser
although undeniable
an unattainable dream
a cruel cue

and yet..
the lit-up feeling
a tingling of senses
a realization of being alive!

last weekend

2009-05-27T12:21:00.001+05:30

sharing yummy momos with my sis, and enjoying a rain dance with my niece..! wot a fun weekend. add to that the fact that my cousin visited us after ages, and we had a lovely time...!:D

humming bird..

2009-05-27T12:15:00.002+05:30

i've realized that i've started humming a bit lately.. and i associate humming with a happy state of mind. i believe one tends to hum when one is comfortable and somewhat pleased. n so am pleased that i'm pleased enuff to hum.

aint's that convoluted logic!:D

life is beautiful..

2009-05-15T08:53:00.001+05:30

a new day.. i have a smile on my lips.. n life is beautiful..:)

in short, i'm back!

bored...

2009-05-13T13:54:00.002+05:30

gawd, am i bored or wot.......! and that's a very very rare feeling for me..

my dear dear kayinaat..

2009-05-11T17:40:00.003+05:30

today i did something interesting.. i wrote a small bit on my dear blog. n then i started to visit my thoughts as captured a yr ago around d same time, n d year before, n so on.. n it turned out to b a very insightful experience.. to revisit one's exact thoughts n feelings can truly help understand oneself.. for me this was the high point of d day.. a lil walk thru my thoughts thru the last coupla yrs.. and for this, i am so thankful for kayinaat.. glad i embraced kayinaat, who's been with me like a close friend.. a companion thru days n weeks n years now.. good n bad.. high n low.. happy n sad.. all there..

it was an almost spiritual experience for me.. i dunno if i make any sense to anyone.. but i do to myself.. n dats what counts.. n i feel better.

am reminded of harry potter, in which a diary wrote back.. although the situation is not comparable in d least, the thot crossed my mind, n brot a smile to my lips..

thanks kayinaat... for being there..

low bug..

2009-05-11T17:08:00.003+05:30

am livin quite a maverick existance, if u will.. n livin in the moment.. flowing in the direction the breeze takes me in.. all within the framework i got to follow to pay my bills.. n hv bn happy being this way.. not to say i don't desire the conventional happiness, but i hv come to accept this, n with joy. as i believe i shd live the life i got happily, even if i don't have a 'happy' (as defined by many) life.. n hv bn doin dat well.. with joy, without complaints. n yet have been a tad low lately.. just a tad.. a lil down.. but not out.

whirlwind month

2009-05-06T22:15:00.002+05:30

well, wot do i say.. it turned out to be quite a month, n it well ushered in the next on a similar note. ain't complaining.. but haven't found the creative bandwidth or mindspace to think much or write any.. n dat's the part i missed. otherwise, i was n am quite fine.